How to Teach Your Child Self-Control

Miss Sarah Oryschak, Lower School Campus Minister
According to Leonard Sax MD PhD, New York Times best-selling author, physician, psychologist, and expert in child development, teaching self-control and other virtues should be among the top priorities for one’s child. Dr. Sax also asserts that character matters as much or more than academic achievement!

When it comes to self-discipline and children, every parent and teacher readily discovers two things: it is one of the most desirable qualities, and it’s one of the most elusive. But why? Put simply, it is hard for human beings to say "no". However, with self-control and discipline we learn two skills:
  1. We learn to say “no” to the part of our self that would prefer to be first, or selfish, or act out of passion; and,
  2. We learn to persevere and persist in doing necessary good and right things that can be uncomfortable, rather than giving into our whims.

This two-sided virtue helps us to remember our dignity as children of God, made in His image and likeness. We have the power to choose what we will say and do, and therefore, we are most human and most like God when we use this power well. Both of these sides are present in every aspect of our life - at school, at work, at home, or in our spiritual life.

So how can we help our children to live out this character-building virtue? Here are three ways:
    1. Self-discipline implies that a person already knows what discipline means and is able to apply it to his own actions. What does that mean for children who are not at that stage developmentally? As parents and educators, we need to lay a solid foundation of discipline. We need to know how to say "no" in the appropriate circumstances. Is your child demanding something from you that is a whim, like candy, extra time on the iPad, or something they saw in a store? If we are free enough to say "no" when our children are young, they will learn from that, and will begin to grasp what is good for them and what is not. If we are consistent in the way we respond to their demands -- even though that could mean having to endure a tantrum -- children will learn that those kinds of irrational responses will not get them what they want, and they will eventually learn to say no to their own whims, too.
    2. No matter how old or young a child is, we can help her learn how to manage her time. Does she have something fun she wants to do? Check to make sure the more important things are done first, like chores or homework. And does your child even have chores to do around the house? Part of her formation in self-discipline is learning that everyone needs to chip in. Remind her that her role in contributing to the family is important, even if her chores are not very glamorous.
    3. The best things come to those who wait. Even though our culture is one of convenience, with so many things at our fingertips, we forget that there is value in patience, and in waiting for things. You may have to save money for something of value. Friendships and relationships are built over time, not overnight. There are many things in life that one needs to work up to - they don't come to you all at once. Do I give my child the opportunity to learn to save money for something that he wants? Do I help him to try to look at things from another perspective, and open his eyes to differences in the way other people could see things? Is there a hobby that he is interested in that may teach the value of practice and perseverance? All these things form a true discipline, which ripens into self-control as a child gets older.

How do you teach your child the virtue of self-control? Please share your thoughts and ideas in the comment section. We as parents and educators need to support one another in helping our children develop this important character trait.

Sarah Oryschak a consecrated member of Regnum Christi and is a campus minister for the Lower School at Pinecrest Academy. She can be reached at soryschak@pinecrestacademy.org.